Letter to myself

Saturday, 14 September 2013

I started this blog as a way for me to document my year so that I can look back in the future to see what was going through my head at this point in time - because sec 4 year is apparently a major 'milestone' in my life. And I'm graduating in about two weeks. I'm not writing as much as I would like to, and so I don't think it will be particularly insightful for me or anyone in the future to just see photos with no explanation or whatever so here; here is a letter to myself: some thoughts that I have been thinking lately.

It's now thirty-odd days to O Levels. I feel like reality is slowly creeping up on me. It's not like it's even giving me a kick in the butt - I think that would be greatly appreciated. It's more like reality is seeping into tiny cracks, going unnoticed by me, and before I know it, little by little, it will be Day 1 of Os. And the countdown went from 285... 254... 178.... 120... 53... And now 38. Days are flying past me without me making any kind of significant mark on them. It's now just this gradual progression of days in which I do stuff, but I I feel like all I'm doing is not adding up in the end. Like all the papers I do are a trifling attempt to just do some work, and I'm not actually learning anything. Like everything I'm doing is not my "real real" O Level revision because in my mind I'm thinking that I still have time...?

I always thought I would be the girl who would have had revised her entire syllabus by prelims and treated prelims as what its name suggests - a preliminary round. I would have everything so planned and organised that I would be the person who walks into the exam hall in October feeling like I know everything that I need to know.

Now I'm starting to feel that maybe feeling prepared doesn't exist at all. I mean you can never actually "finish" studying. There's always something you missed in the book, something you didn't realise before, new questions to do.... Something you could have or should have done... I don't think that sense of security will ever come.

So anyway, to me, or anyone else in the future, I have no idea what I'm doing. If anything, I'm just getting by day by day, trying to learn as much as possible. And yet, every day when the sun begins to set, I still feel that I'm in a race against the fading light - this is not a metaphor. I feel significantly more stressed as it gets dark, possibly /probably/ because I feel like time is running out.

And so I tell myself, my grades do not define who I am. Sure if I get straight As, I'd be happy for a while, but I doubt that happiness would last long. So instead, I'm trying to have as much fun as I can in my sec 4 year, to spend as much time as I can with my friends and family, and doing what I love to do, because ultimately, I don't want to look back on the year 2013 and think, "yes, that was my O Level year", but more as the year that I enjoyed living and trusting in God for His provision. God will be my abundant source of grace throughout the rest of the year, and even though I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going, I'm trusting in Him to lead me.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6


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